Thursday, October 9, 2008

Railin' Demon Palin

I’ve recently come to two conclusions about potential future vice president Sarah Palin. The first is that I believe her to be the beast prophecized about in the book of revelation, the unholy one, the destroyer. The second thing I’ve decided is that despite the fact that she may be the harbinger of the end times, I’d still totally let her soak it up. It’s kind of like that Roman Polanski movie, The 9th Gate where Johnny Depp Bangs the devil in chick form as he rides through the gates of Hell, only slightly less attractive and twice as bespectacled. Call me crazy but if the devil isn’t your number one lay, she’s got to at least make the top 5.

The main reason I think that Governor Palin is the daughter of perdition is because I’m mildly obsessed with the apocalypse. Some of my favorite books, Stephen King’s The Stand, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, Don DeLillo’s White Noise, are set in the end times or post apocalyptic America. Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is my favorite Mel Gibson film. I know it doesn’t really have to deal with the apocalypse and I know you liked Braveheart better but Jaguar Paw would straight up murder William Wallace and then eat his vital organs and that’s a fact. The illest drawings I’ve done are always about the end of the world. The majority of my daydreams and fantasies concern the end of days and how I’m gonna make it through, nothing but my killer instinct and a few modest supplies. A nomad warrior of the ruined plain. A man without a home or a past, trusting no one, taking no prisoners, killing when necessary and searching for a shred of hope in a destitute time, a hardened shell of my former self. I’ll be the first to admit that there’s truly not much logic in my argument, but that doesn’t make it less cool to think about.

The reason I’d let Sarah Palin wax the d is because I think she’s kind of hot. A good looking middle aged woman in a politically significant position of power…I’ve got chubs. Nine out of ten major dudes agree that they would hit it like the closed fist of an angry god, again: facts. Add that to the postulate that she may be Satan incarnate on a path of worldly and spiritual destruction, and you have one of the most significant copulations of all time, second, perhaps, only to the time that god discreetly boned mary.

I looked online to see if I could find any hard evidence correlating Palin to the Antichrist and I found some interesting stuff. At once compelling and easily dismissable from a rational standpoint, but again, I dig this shit so let me have fun with it. Check out this passage from Revelation 14:9-11 "And the third angel followed them, saying with a loud voice, If any man worship the beast and his image, and receive A PLAIN RASH in his forehead, or in his hand, The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is poured out without mixture into the cup of his indignation.” Note the words “a plain rash.” Now rearrange the letters. Oh shit—Sarah Palin. Weird, right?

Now check this, here’s a quote from Revelation 13:18-"This calls for wisdom: let anyone with understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred sixty-six." According to my assuredly unqualified internet source, the "wisdom" referred to by the Apostle John in the passage is the system of Hebrew gematria, or numerology, as follows: Take the words Sarah Palin (שרה פאלן), Sarah(שרה) = Shin, Reysh, Hey and Palin (פאלן) = Pey, Aleph, Lamedh, Nun. Now,
the Hebrew gematria values of these letters using the standard Mispar gadol system (which I have virtually no working knowledge of and am completely taking the internet’s word for) are: Shin= 300, Reysh= 200, Hey= 5, Pey= 80, Aleph= 1, Lamedh= 30, Nun= 50. Now take the sum of all these numbers for some reason and what do you know? 666, the mark of the motherfucking beast.

So now that we’ve inarguably established Sarah Palin as the idol shepardess, we have to figure out a way for me to get a crack at that. She’s obviously not gonna fall for any kind of big sausage pizza scheme so I’m gonna have to get a little creative on this one. I think I’ll take the Depp approach. Since I’m a handsome biblical scholar and the only one with the knowledge that she is the dark princess, she’ll be aware of my existence. Like with any metaphysical force of supreme intelligence and evil intent, she’ll naturally know I know and she’ll most likely summon me to her dark court for judgement. It is there on the profane alter of human suffering that my dashing “joe-sixpack” appeal will, at the very last moment, cause the one shred of grown, sexy female in her to want to not only spare my life, but take me upon the evil tabernacle and perform the hottest acts of unholy coitus in front of her orclike, mouthbreathing minions. When we’re through (she came twice), she’ll name me her second in command and together we’ll usher in a reign of darkness over the earth until one man, even more handsome and headstrong than I, can finally summon the courage within himself to do what he must to save what’s left of humanity, even if it means sacrificing himself. He will be a noble man indeed.

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